I received the following email by mistake, and after careful consideration, I have decided to go public with it. I am (was) a democrat, but after seeing this proof of the systematic deception they have been perpetrating on America, I'm going to have to become an independent. I hate to feel sorry for the Republicans but they have been unfairly victimized by the Democrats, and I simply cannot remain silent.
TOP SECRET. Eyes Only. Destroy all copies of this letter after reading.
To Messrs Romney, Gingrich, and Santorum;
On behalf of myself and your fellow Democrats, I would like to offer my heartfelt thanks and admiration for your continuing efforts in the 2012 presidential election. While your dedication and sacrifice cannot be publicly recognized at this time for obvious reasons, I want you know that your decision to sacrifice your political careers and credibility for the sake of the Democratic party and President Obama shall never be forgotten. Such dedication and selfless nobility of purpose is in short supply these days, and you three are an example to us all.
Mr Romney, the air of artless arrogance and naive hypocrisy you have painstakingly cultivated is almost a work of art in its simplicity, made all the more notable when one considers the years of dedication that have gone into its making. Watching you campaign, I am simply awe-struck at how you can seem at first to be claiming common ground with your 'base', and then, in a moment, with a single sentence, you 'accidentally' manage to alienate each and every single one of them. Masterful.
Here are just a few examples of your skill which I found particularly notable:
When addressing a crowd of NASCAR fans, you pointed out that you weren't really a fan, but you followed the outcomes of the races since you were friends with some team owners. Of course, you must be aware that in NASCAR, as well as pretty much all other sports, fans' opinions of team owners generally range from irritated ambivalence to seething hatred. They are seen as either irrelevant or malign, and so when you simultaneously distanced yourself from the fans, and declared your association with the owners, the sympathies of that audience became a bit more Democratic. The touch of condescension in your voice and bearing that has become your trademark was a masterful embellishment, as always.
'Accidentally' drawing attention to your weaknesses as a candidate is possibly the most effective means by which you have driven voters away from the Republican party. When you speak to one of the biggest issues in today's economy - jobs, having a history of laying off tens of thousands of people and going so far as to be quoted as saying “I like firing people” is a one-two punch from which the Republicans may well not be able to recover anytime soon. In an earlier interview, the 'gaffe' of saying that you don't really care about poor people probably brought President Obama another percentage point, if not two, in the upcoming election. It's the details that count, Mr. Romney, and your consummate, nuanced skill as a public speaker will hopefully serve you well in whatever you choose do after this election. I certainly wish you the best.
While Mr. Romney is the inevitable nominee, the contributions of you, Mr. Gingrich and Mr. Santorum cannot be overstated. Whereas he has specialized in engendering the appearance of normality while playing on the subconscious frustrations of his audiences, you two have been every bit as industrious and successful at alienating those less-perceptive members of the voting public that might not notice Romney's ineffable air of condescension and hypocritical elitism. Your perversion of traditional values and conservative politics into a cartoonishly evil parody of a platform is, while not as sophisticated as Romney's efforts, every bit as effective, if not moreso. Whereas Romney might be emulating the overbearing and hapless boss everyone has had to deal with at one point or another in their life, you two are playing the parts of the madcap extremists and fanatics, hate-filled and illogically paranoid, driving voters to the Democratic ticket in droves, not with frustration and alienation like Romney, but with good old fashioned fear and not a little disgust.
Mr. Santorum, the self-sacrificing dedication you have shown taking on the distasteful role of hatemonger and misogynist will not be soon forgotten. By conspicuously focusing on the the denial of civil rights to the LGBT community and promoting fear and mistrust among Americans by engendering a false religious conflict between Muslim and Christian Americans, you and the other Democratic agents have had great success painting the Republican party as an out-of-touch and malign cabal desperate to maintain power for it's own end at the cost of American peace and prosperity. By making such an open and farcical show of dividing Americans of differing faith or personal sexual preference, you have done more than any other Democrat in living memory to belittle and marginalize the Republican party. I look forward to the scandal when you come out of the closet, and I have every faith that you'll see to it that this happens at the most opportune moment. While I would like nothing more than to list each of your accomplishments, there simply isn't enough time. Again, I thank you.
While each of you, in your own way, has shown outstanding dedication and self-sacrifice in these past months, and have individually achieved great things in your time infiltrating the highest echelons of the Republican party, it is what you have achieved as a whole that is the most notable and inspiring. By working together, with a collective effort toward a common goal, in the best democratic tradition, the product of your efforts has become much greater than the a simple sum of the parts you have all played so well. Together, you have shown the American people a garish and terrible picture of the Republican party with a greater depth and clarity than any number of people could have achieved working independently. Thanks to you, more and more people are coming to see the Republicans as hate-filled, misogynistic, paranoid, racist (Thanks again, Rick!), delusional, incompetent, power-hungry and hypocritical. Although your deeds must remain unsung for some time yet, please know that you have done more good for the Democratic party than any of us dared hope when you three were selected to continue the project I founded 12 years ago.