I just got in from the worst dentist visit, ever. And I mean that with a capital "EVER".
First off, for the numbing... you know that gel stuff they put on with a q-tip on the place where the BIG DAMNED NEEDLE is getting jabbed into your gum and/or roof of your mouth? Well, that's apparently not modern enough for "Captain Suffer"... He had these little square band-aid things that he stuck to those spots... and then he left. In theory (that's THEORY, as in "theoretically") they're like this Novocain patch or something. The THEORY is sound, and I'm sure those little patch thingies work fine ... unless any saliva comes into contact with it....in which case, the HUGANTIC FUCKING NEEDLE gets jabbed into the roof of your mouth (and they have to press hard, you know?) just on it's own. Then, it (the big giant needle imbedded in the roof of your mouth, remember?) gets wiggled back and forth "s l o w l y" to spread the Novocain around the area to be numbed...
Oh wait, the fun and games actually started before that. There were bugs. BUGS. (as in INSECTS) They were in the room with me... three of them that I counted. I don't know what they are, but they look like brown ants with wings, except they're about 3/4" long. One on the rinse-n-spit thing, a second, more sociable one I found wandering merrily up my forearm while waiting for the little patch things to take effect, and another on the wall, as the filling was being applied for the second time. (Yes, that's the "same" filling, applied for the "second" time... but I'll get to that in a bit)
On the wall in front of me were two posters, each a blown-up home photo of someone's toy dogs. Small things with long straight hair, big eyes, tiny little teeth bared in what, I believe, was meant to be a smile. These two freaky-looking psycho-poodle pictures stared me down the whole time. The walls were a very faded shade of institutional green. The illumination was from one of those old-school fluorescent lights in the ceiling (You know, the flickery, make-you-wanna-claw-out-your-eyes kind) and one of those adjustable 5,000,000,000,000,000,000 watt retina blasters which all dentists seem to have. Later in the visit, I was to be hit in the head with this light, but I had no idea at the time. The room was so small that whenever one of the nurses (or whatever you call a dentist's lackeys) wanted to cross from one side of the room to the other, they'd politely tap me on the leg, to let me know that I had to scrunch up in the chair a bit, so they could get by, because there wasn't enough room between the end of the chair and the wall for both my feet and their asses. FYI, none of them were especially "generously" proportioned, the room was just that damned small.
Ok, so where was I? Oh yeah... trying desperately to hold still while the dentist pushed the Novocain (rhymes with pain) into my palate and gums by means of the aforementioned HUGE GODDAMNED NEEDLE. Once that was done, I was left alone for a few minutes. (I assume, this was to give me a chance to hold myself and cry in privacy) One of the dentettes came back and asked me if my mouth felt all fat. I said, "yeah, sorta" because it did... sorta.
So the drilling starts..... ::insert obscenities here::
Right away, I knew something was amiss because there was none of the rubbery-faced ness one expects. Also not at all rubbery was the drill bit. I smell burning tooth, and heard _that_ sound (you know the one) a split second before everyone in the office realized simultaneously that the Novocain (rhymes with "pain") apparently had not taken effect. I made a noise like "gash!". The dentist asked if that had hurt, and I swear, the little gnome to his right giggled. I nodded, and Mr. Makekiressayouch called for another "round" (I'm not kidding, that was the word he used) of Novocain (yes, it still rhymes with "pain") Luckily, the first round had taken effect enough to numb the injection site, so that was ok. Dr. Du Sade the asked one of Satan's little helpers to get him a fresh bit for the drill, as this one was feeling a little dull... WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?! Then they left again. A few minutes later, my face started feeling all fat and rubbery, and they came back as that feeling was beginning to fade. There was drilling, which still hurt, but not too bad that I couldn't hold still.
Then it was time for the filling itself. Having had fillings before, I was glad that the worst was over... If I'd only known... If I'd only known!!!
The first batch didn't mix right, and so was discarded. Likewise for the second... and the third... by which time, His evilness was growing tired of holding my jaw at such an awkward angle, and called for another assistant. The second one set the mixing machine on the right setting, then chatted with the first one about what a blazingly incompetent bag of ectocasm she was, and the filling material was handed off to the dentist, who applied it to my newly- holed tooth like drywall compound. The hole was too big so he summoned another batch of metal stuff, which followed the first. Satisfied, he made sure they had both bonded properly with my tooth, and began grinding down the filling to conform to the opposing dentins. Have you ever had a chunk of metal ground down in your mouth? There is heat, and there is pain as the hot little bits fall from the filling, to cool on the back of your throat... Then there is a moment of stunned silence as the dentist realizes that his grinder has popped the new filling mostly out, and sent a chunk of it like a tiny, burning, pixie of vengeance onto your tongue. (not my favorite flavor, honestly)
So the filling has to be removed, and a new one installed. Oh yeah, baby! Out comes the drill! By now, the Novocain (Rhymes with "Oh! The pain!) is almost worn off, and wow, does it ever hurt as the filling is stripped out of the freshly dug hole, especially when he presses too hard in one place, and makes this whole new little tunnel into my tooth. The second attempt at the filling was a success, and it was shaped properly. As he was gettign up to leave me alone for the filling to dry, he nudged the lamp, which was not too stable in it's support of springs and levers. It shifted suddennly and swung right into the side of my head, making a most comical clang sound. I laughed. What else was there to do in that situation, really? That was the end of that torture, and I was allowed to leave, after promising to come back in two weeks. You see, because of the extra time taken in the beginning, he only worked on one of the three teeth in need of work . The other two are the actual cavities! This was all just to replace a filling that had fallen out years ago, that I had never even noticed. I think I ought to go get drunk now....
mood: wanna, gonna, go curl up and cry
music: Cell Auto Mata - We Met Under Concrete (-:] DigitalGunfire.com [:-)