With GPS technology, and the army’s great-big computers thinking about weather and wind and aerodynamics, they can pinpoint with remarkable accuracy where a given parachuted package will land, when they start shoving tanks and hamburgers out the back of planes. Now, if the fall were faster, and the object heavier, the calculations would be even simpler, and therefore the degree of accuracy would be higher, right? So by removing the parachute, we could determine even more precisely where the soon-to-be-hamburgers would land. Sound engineers are really good at coming up with new sounds for things that have never happened before, in real life, for movies and stuff. But, I ask you, how accurate are they, really? Most of the world will never know. But! Here is a chance to find out how good they ‘really’ are. PETA would love this idea, because there would be no suffering on the part of the sacrificial cow, and they’d get lots of money from it. Hell, they could even protest if they wanted to, I won’t tell where the money is going. (But I wouldn’t recommend protesting too close to the house, that might be dangerous... Anyway, what we do is build a house. A nice, three-bedroom, 2 bathroom, concrete slab construction house. That’s what the cement truck was for, see? Then we take the sound engineers through the house, give them the plans and materials used, and introduce them to the cow. We’ll call the cow... uhmmmmm ... OK, I don’t have a name for the cow yet, but I’ll come up with one later. Then, we mount microphones throughout the house, and test them all out thoroughly. They’ll have to be pretty durable mikes, too, considering what’s about to happen to them. Then we give our sound guys each a week or a month or something to come up with “the sound”. Basically, we’re looking for their best guess as to the sound that will be heard inside the house when the cow comes in through the ceiling, from a height of several miles. Then we advertise it as a big event, with PETA as the beneficiary. (or protesting agency, depending on whether or not they want to be acknowledged as part of the event) Then, while the sound techies are working on their sounds, we send Moo-eteor (Hey, There’s his name! cool!) off to a wind tunnel somewhere (with goggles, of course, I wouldn’t want him to be uncomfortable) and figure out his aerodynamic properties. This will come in handy for the army, when their computers are figuring out exactly when to let slip the cow of charity! Now that I think of it, we’d prolly have to get the cow drunk first... because too much flailing around could disturb his flight path, and the last thing we’d want would be a few tons of beef landing on the preschool next door. Anyway, once the sound guys have their sounds, the army has their data, and Moo-eteor has his last meal, we load his ass up into the cargo plane, and make our way into the atmosphere. We circle around for a while, gaining altitude, and getting the cow high, so it’s not scared. Then we kiss the cow good-bye, and let the computer take over. The computer decides when the time and place is just right, and the cow is freed! It’ll have a few minutes of time to contemplate its existence before it returns to the house at about 250-300 mph. Now, this is where the spiritual side (my real reason for doing all of this) of the event comes in. I believe that there are souls in all living things, but most of the time, especially in animals, they dissipate when the body dies, not knowing any better. Most animals, I think, never become self-aware. Hell, some humans aren’t really self aware. I think that sentience is not a given, just ‘cause you’ve got opposable thumbs and a mullet. Cows lead very boring lives, and probably don’t have many ’blue moments’ in their lives. But this could change all that! Skydiving would be something entirely new for Moo-eteor, and would be enough to propel his bovine brain into new thought patters, which could easily include self-awareness, thus (if my theory is correct) preventing his soul from dissipating when his body gives up the ghost, because there would now be a ghost to give up, see? Anyway, we record the sound made by Moo-etoer’s passage through the roof and his subsequent merger with the concrete floor. (Tiled or carpeted, I haven’t quite decided yet, but I’m thinking some nice Spanish tile would work nicely. ) Then we compare the sound guys’ guesses with the actual sound of Moo-eteor’s final milliseconds, and give something cool to the winner. Lastly, we have a barbecue! Now, we’ve had people laying bets on who would have the closest guess, and now we present the PETA folks with the money! Everybody wins! Moo-eteor gets a soul. The winning sound tech gets whatever the prize is. PETA gets all the proceeds from the ticket sales and the losing bets on who’s sound would be the closest. The army gets free press, and they get to test out some new high-speed delivery systems, or HANO (high-altitude, No-opening) jumping Lastly, all the spectators get fed! I think it’s a great idea. What do you guys think?
Anyone who feels the need to point out that a male cow is a bull has completely missed the point of this post, and needs to get either laid or counseled and medicated, as their priorities are sadly out of whack, and they are entirely too anal-retentive to have any hope of leading a happy life as they are.
mood: depressed, but optimistic.
music: Fields of the nephilim - Submission