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Introspection.  
05:16am 19/06/2004
 
 
Benjamin
I had a thought a few nights ago; which evolved into an epiphany, I think. It's not an especially happy thing, but it's still evolving, so time will tell, I guess. Basically, I'm sick and tired of inconviencing myself for the sake of other's feelings. I've gotten into this habit of politeness and consideration of other's feelings that I think has passed a threshold of some kind. Basically, being "nice" has gotten me nowhere. Worse, it's not gotten anyone else anywhere, either. "So why do I do it?", I found myself wondering. Basically, I'm beginning to understand that miserable people are going to be miserable no matter what. It doesn't matter what thing they can point to and say, "This is what makes me upset", or, "That is why I'm not doing anything that brings me joy". Really, it doesn't matter, the nature and arrangement of the minutia of their specific hell. If that thing or those things were removed or amended, they'd find replacements in short order! And they'd do it with a consistency uncharacteristic of this inherently erratic race. A-fucking-mazing. They can't manage to feed themselves properly half the time, but by god, they can sniff out ways to suck through fifteen feet of concrete and a paper mill. If they could apply half the brains to ... well, something that doesn't suck as they do to reinforcing the "fact" that things suck, then things wouldn't suck. Is that hard? Is that some new age cliche`? Is that complicated? Fuck all that "power of positive thinking" bullshit, this is basic common goddamned sense. I'm tired of trying to convince humans to be humans, and stop pretending to be maggots. Really fucking sick and tired of it. I've spent years now doing everything I could (and a few things I couldn't) to help people realize that they're not as fucked as they believe. Not nearly. Proving it to them, one at a time, incontrovertibly. Repeating that proof, then explaining it, then proving it again, then presenting it to them from their point of view. Once in a while, one of the brighter psychotic apes actually catches a glimmer of it. But all too often that glimmer is short-lived. If the things I were trying to get across were complicated, deeply spiritual, or, hell, even moderately debatable it'd be one thing, but they're not. They're ridiculously simple, self-evident, and heart-breakingly obvious. For instance, if some chick's last 6 boyfriends all got hauled off by the cops for getting shitfaced and bouncing her off of walls, then, well, yeah, clearly, they're all assholes, but even more clearly, there's something very fucking wrong with her criteria for prospective mates. Maybe, she'd be happier with one of those quiet, polite, nerdy-looking fellas she never gives a second glance. That's not subjective. That's not complicated. If some poor fella is so afraid of being turned down that he doesn't dare to ask some chick out, he's an idiot, period. C'mon! That which he "fears" is already in place and in full effect. Worst case scenario there would be that she tells him to fuck off, and he goes home alone. Uhmmm .... Dipshit is going home alone already, so what hath he to be lost? His self-respect? Bitch, please! He gave that shit up long ago, I assure you. Right about half a second after the very first time he decided not to introduce himself. Kinda like being too scared of drowning to climb out of the river, because you might accidentally fall in a river!

Here's one that's popular with both the boys and the girls; it's called "winning arguments". Oh yeah, everybody love to win arguments! And who do people argue the most with? Their mates! You know, "mate", as in boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, S/O, chewtoy, whatever. Also known as the person either at or near the top of their "list of people dear to me". Too bad they haven't quite gotten it through their skulls that a argument is always (that's spelled "A-L-W-A-Y-S", as in ALL THE FUCKING TIME, WITHOUT EXCEPTION) about what has become more important than the feelings of the other person. I'm not talking about disagreements here. Disagreements are inevitable and healthy. Any time 2 or more (allegedly) sentient beings share space and/or maintain a dialog of any significance for any length of time, they're gonna disagree. That's cool. Arguments are when it gets personal. There is a fine, but VERY bright line between a disagreement and a argument. It's the difference between "You're pissing me off." and, "You're pissing me off, you beligerant fuck." If you are in a relationship with a person, then by definition you are favorably inclined towards one another, and each is aware of this. What- do people forget so often that they hold the other dear? Is the issue of who's turn it is to do the fucking dishes really of greater import than the feelings of the person closest to your heart? Are your wills and joys (not to mention your trust in the benevolence of the person you're sharing a big chunk, if not all, of your life with) so poor and stunted that they crumble like a wedding cake in a hurricane when faced with some petty conflict? And if the other person in this scenario of domestic commonality does not bring you joy, then... Wow, that's a whole 'nother level of suck, and one which I really don't want to even contemplate right now.

But anyway, back to the point. I'm tired of trying to point out stupidly obvious things like this (and there are more; many, many more) to people who suffer so enthusiastically by them. It doesn't do them any good, it doesn't do me any good, and so maybe I'm finally getting a fucking clue that I've been wasting my time trying to lessen the hells we've made for ourselves. Heh, I guess maybe it's time I took my own advice and accepted the simple and obvious truth. Specifically, that I've not done any good. All I've managed to do is make myself look foolish and/or crazy. It seemed like a good idea at the time, though. See, if I'm crazy, drunk, or stupid, then whomever I'm talking to has the option of ignoring my words based on that. I have to make sure they have that "out", because otherwise, I'd be doing wrong. The only way my words can ever do any good is if someone is brought to a more complete understanding of the way of things, ideally, after they've forgotten my words. I can't force understanding on anyone, no matter how much suffering could be avoided and how little a bit of understanding would be needed. Even if I could, I wouldn't. I'm not so dumb that I don't know that would be wrong "en extremis", if not outright evil. I'm an idiot, sure, but there are limits even to my aptitude for stoopid. Besides, evil is simply not my nature. Personally, I think it's the height of irony, not to mention really fucking frustrating that I feel I've got to actually put effort into discrediting myself, and making that discredit believable just so people will have the option of ignoring that which would dispel the causes of their pain. As long as I'm "crazy", "ranting", "obnoxious", or (my personal favorite) "just some drunk in a bar", then I don't have to be taken seriously. As long as I'm not taken seriously, then there is a balance to the self-evident and simple truth of the things that I say, and it's still up to whomever I'm talking to whether to accept the words, or ignore the message 'cause the messenger smells like tequila.

I've just had it up to here with the fact that people suffer with such enthusiasm, just because suffering is known, and therefor safer than the joy. I'm tired of the fact that simply hearing the truths they already fucking know isn't enough to convince them that "It doesn't have to be like this". I'm tired of the knowledge that I've spent much time and energy, apparently foolishly, and have done nowhere near enough good, and in some cases, actually done harm. No, I'm not trying to be some kind of drunken Jesus in black jeans; I'm not out to save the world. I just want [$name1] to not stay in a loveless marriage out of some misguided sense of honor. I want  [$name2] to stop feeling worthless because of some stupid shit that went down over a decade ago, and not their fault, anyway. I want  [$name3] to finally realize that, damnit, it's ok to be angry every now and then, and even "gasp" to let the person pissing you off that you're pissed. You're not evil, damnit! If you were malicious, you wouldn't care enough about the feelings of your antagonist to protect them at the expense of your own, and those of us that care for you.  I want  [$name4] to remember that joy is still good, like it was before they got dumped. C'mon! a mentally unbalanced, self-destructive, emotionally threadbare alcoholic is not going to be able to handle a "real" relationship, and that's not your fucking fault! That they hung on as long as they did is nothing less than a testament to how good, strong, and just generally excellent a person you are. As fucked in the head as they are, they still saw that you're cool! I want  [$name5] to stop selling their soul a piece at a time, just so they don't have to admit that they're sorry for [none of your business]. I'm gonna stop here, because the list is a long one, and, I guess, in the final analysis, nothing more than a pathetic roll-call of good people that are suffering and I can't do a damned thing for.

Goodnight, moon.
mood: sicksick
 
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(no subject)
 shadesong
 
06:02am 19/06/2004 (UTC)
 
 
Magical Truthsaying Bastard Shadesong
Heh, I guess maybe it's time I took my own advice and accepted the simple and obvious truth. Specifically, that I've not done any good. All I've managed to do is make myself look foolish and/or crazy.

Not so.

Rest of post takes too much brainpower to answer properly at the moment, as my meds are hitting my bloodstream. Reply in detail that you deserve later. Remind me if I don't get back to this, 'k?
 
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(no subject)
 tryss
 
12:10am 20/06/2004 (UTC)
 
 
Tryss: realpic1
I have to admit, that I've been in your presence one time.. only once.. and have been reading your journal since that time. You DO make a difference. You DO make people's lives better. Take it from someone who is at the tip of the radius of your influence. One night of late talking and soothsaying with my roomie (k8mnstr)and she has renewed determination and more enrgy. The look in people's eyes when they speak about you speaks volumes. You matter to them.

The point I'm making is that if you feel what you're doing doesn't make a dent, change what you're doing, not the overall goal.

{hug}
picword: realpic1
 
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(no subject)
 kires
 
10:56pm 23/06/2004 (UTC)
 
 
Benjamin: debt
>>if you feel what you're doing doesn't make a dent, change what you're doing, not the overall goal.

That is a fine point. I really should have seen that sooner. It seems sensible and proper, so I shall think on it. Than-q.
picword: debt
 
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